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Looking for funny quotes for your wife? We have rounded up the best collection of Funny Wife Quotes, Sayings, captions, messages, texts, jokes, puns (with images and pictures)  which you might relate to.


  1. “A good husband makes a good wife.”

  2. “Well behaved wife rarely make history.”

  3. “My husband’s wife is freaking awesome.”

  4. “A woman’s apology: I’m sorry but it was your fault.”
  5. “I and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.”

  6. “Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years…. then we met.”
  7. “Your wife won’t start an argument with you, If you’re cleaning.”

  8. “We always hold hands, If I let go, she shops.” – Henry Youngman

  9. “Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”

  10. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she hugged me.”
  11. “My husband thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me.”

  12. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”- Henny Youngman

  13. “Wife: I have changed my mind…Husband: Does the new one work???”

  14. “Marriage is a workshop, where the husband works and the wife shops.”
  15. “Wife is scientifically proven to be RIGHT even when they are WRONG.”

  16. “Nothing makes a wife more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.”

  17. “My wife’s cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  18. “After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.” – Navjot Sidhu

  19. “If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.”- Sam Levenson

  20. “Wife is cute when she is mute and husband is honey when he gives money.”
  21. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” – Woody Allen

  22. “Tell her she’s beautiful instead of HOT she’s your wife not TEMPERATURE.”

  23. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

  24. “She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” – Tommy Manville

  25. “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.”

  26. “My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me. :)”
  27. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

  28. “The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.”

  29. “Below is a list of ways to win an argument with your wife…………………….empty not found.”

  30. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  31. “The husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!!”
  32. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”

  33. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.”

  34. “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

  35. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”- Sigmund Freud

  36. “One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!”
  37. “My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  38. “The only animal that a lion is afraid of is his lady lioness. So if you are afraid of your lady, that means you’re a lion.”

  39. “When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.”

  40. “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.”
  41. “A married man’s honest confession: “I always read my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I am going to have…”

  42. “My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.”

  43. “I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you… and.. I think I’ll look at the moon again?!”

  44. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”- Socrates

  45. “I am a proud wife of an imperfect perfect husband. He is the only one in this world who can tolerate my madness.”
  46. “My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  47. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  48. “My wife says I know just how to push all of her buttons. Unfortunately I stll haven’t been able to find the ‘mute’ button.”

  49. “When my wife and I fight, I tighten the top of every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “oh yeah, you need me now huh?”

  50. “Never criticize your husband’s faults. It may have been those little imperfections which stopped him from getting a better wife.”

  51. “Wives are so smart…they will lay on your chest and be like, “Babe have you ever cheated on me?” and wait for your heart to beat fast.”
  52. “My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.”

  53. “I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.”

  54. “Guys I need your help. I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right. What the hell do I do next?!”

  55. “If a woman says “Do what you want”. Do not do what you want. Stand still, don’t blink, don’t answer, don’t even Breathe. Just play dead.”
  56. “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  57. “My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm last night. Not concentrating, I leaned over and passed her the super glue instead. She’s still not speaking to me.”

  58. “My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she’s right!”

  59. “Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.”

  60. “When husband does something crazy > wife gets angry > husband apologizes. When wife does something crazy > husband gets angry > wife gets angrier > husband apologizes.”


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